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Inscribe to Bro. J. Adams Allen, OF KALAMAZOO, MICH., GRAND MASTER

MASONIC HISTORY OF LORING HAHDED

THREE EPISODES IN THE DAY

EPISODE FIRST

LORING "JOINS THE MASONS"

DAY did Loring Hahded "jyne the Masons?" J is an inquiry that has been often made, but never answered. His wife, with true Caudleian perseverance and tact, propounded it; his neighbors propounded it; the members of the Fraternity who visited Tillibellover Lodge propounded it; we propounded it; and when we ask anything, the answer is bound to come. So we take pride in saying that we have the truth of the matter. But we are greatly tempted not to tell it. Why shouldn't we keep some things to ourself? Other folks do. Our readers who are in possession of golden facts like this, withhold them from us and from the world. Old Masons, who are getting older every day, and are reminded of their graves by every arbor vitae bush they see, permit the reminiscences of their Masonic youth to perish in them, and won't communicate. Why, we cry again, should not we be allowed the privilege of knowing something that nobody else knows? But the temptation vanishes, and a more liberal spirit possesses our heart, when we reflect upon the pleasure we shall impart to our patronizing thousands by communicating to them what no other Masonic writer has-what no Grand Master ever alluded to in an opening address-what no Com. For. Cor. ever argued, or settled, or declared, or doubted, or done anything else to-why, in short, Loring Hahded became a member of the A. and H. F. of F. and A. M.'s. We cry with Solomon, when the old builder was introduced to him, h-u-r-a-m-e-n, we have found it!

Loring Hahded had an observing disposition. He had ridden the mail, in his youth, from Tillibellover P.O. to Hog Haslet and back, and this had enabled him to see the world. He had seen a steamboat; had swapped horses eight times in one month (commencing with a four-year-old and twelve dollars, and terminating with a twelve-year-old and four dollars); had heard a member for Congress make a speech; and was a subscriber to two (lottery) newspapers. All these rare advantages Loring possessed over the ordinary mortals, his neighbors. This observant disposition it was that first turned Loring's attention to Masonry. When Tillibellover Lodge was first organized, Loring had been one of those who opposed it. He had aided in spreading the scandalous roomer that it was for purposes of gambling and intemperance that the Brothers met. [147] His hands had handled the brush, that spread the paint, that painted the vulgarity, that insulted the house that the Masons built. Two or three lies, that nobody but an old mail-rider who had seen the world would have thought of telling, had been traced up to Loring Handed-lies in which the honor of Masons and the chastity of their wives and daughters were involved. This seems like a queer introduction to our story, but it is in reality the preparation. We will presently take you in. This observant disposition, to which we have so admiringly alluded, had led Loring to mark various instances in which Masonry benefited its votaries. He had particularly stored away in his mind the five following, to wit:

CASE FIRST.-A man with a family had driven up one day to the Tillibellover tavern (over the blacksmith-shop-sign of the gingercake and bottle), and called out the landlord by some very singular words. The landlord was known to be a Mason of one degree at least, if not more; and the way he pranced around and waited on that family, after the utterance of those cabalistic words, convinced all the by-standers, among whom happened to be Loring Hahded, that there was Masonry in it. Thinks Loring to himself, wouldn't it be nice to belong to a society like this, so that I could get waited upon in that way?

CASE SECOND.-Parson Lightfoot, well-known to be a Mason (didn't he deliver the address last June, which was three years ago published in the where all the Masonic addresses are published?) only [148] preached once in a while at Tillibellover church, while the Rev. Mr. Scrump, who was anything but a Mason, did it weekly; yet when Lightfoot held forth, everybody, the Masons in particular, attended, while Scrump commanded less than a score of hearers. Loring had observed this, and his native shrewdness led him to the conclusion, wouldn't it be nice to belong to a society that backs up a preacher that way?

CASE THIRD.-Mrs. Pelletreau, widow of the deceased Brother Simon Bolivar Pelletreau, who was killed at the raising of Brother Finn's barn, was very poor. In plain truth, Brother Pelletreau had left her nothing in creation to go upon but a gang of little children and a mule. Yet the widow never lacked for anything; her crib always had corn in it; her smoke-house, meat; her children went cleanly to school; her shawl was a Bay State article, that cost ten-fifty at Blaster's. Of course, all this was the result of her relationship to Masonry. True, she divided her time, Mason-like, into three parts, giving one to sewing for people who would pay her for it;, one to sewing for herself and children; and the third to light work, such as cooking, washing, etc.; yet general rumor, an infallible guide about Tillibellover, declared that Masonry supported her, and we don't dispute it. Loring Handed had observed the pleasant way this Mason's widow got along, and he had often thought, wouldn't it be nice to belong to a society that takes such good care of the wimming?

CASE FOURTH.-The lodge at Tillibellover meets [149] Saturday night, on or after the full moon. It is a tradition of great age around Tillibellover, that whisky is far the pleasantest in flavor in the full of the moon. Coupling this and that together, Loring and his class early concluded that one prime object of Masonic meetings was imbibition, and that whisky, a fluid that Loring keenly favored, was the tap. True, they had never been able to prove exactly that any whisky or other oxygenized fluid was carried in the lodge; but, if not, why lock the door? Neither was it satisfactorily demonstrated that the Brothers were ever any the worse for their carouses. But what of that? Hasn't Masonry its secrets? and one of them may be how to disguise the breath!-who knows? With these observations, Loring had decided, wouldn't it be nice to belong to a society that shows you how to drink like a gentleman, and nobody ever know it but themselves?

CASE FIFTH.-Loring had observed, as everybody else does, that Masons go not to law with each other (Loring was, commercially speaking, in embarrassed circumstances); are not known to quarrel and fight (Loring often indulged in gymnastics of an illegal character); are rarely heard to make slanderous charges against each other (Loring's character was ragged, and the truth made it worse); gave each other good counsel gratis when demanded (Loring paid five dollars a clip for what he got); always have a spare quarter to loan a Brother Mason (Loring rarely had that amount of metal in his possession); and these facts brewing in his head, brought him [150] logically to the conclusion, wouldn't it be nice now 'to belong to a society that does so much for its members?

The secret, then, of Horing Hahded's Masonic fraternization is, that he coveted its personal advantages. He joined it-the phrase, though one that in general we strongly disapprove, is appropriate here he joined it as the mistletoe joins the oak; as the ivy joins the elm; as the leech joins the leg; as the tick joins the passer-by. He reached up to it and clomb in, but in so doing he pulled it down part of the way to him. Philosophers, who know all about such things, say, if you tie a rope to one of the moon's horns, and draw yourself up to it, you tip Luna, a little over. Just so with Loring Hahded; he flung his cable-tow up to Tillibellover Lodge; the Brethren were weak enough to seize it, instead of letting it fall back; they tied it to a ring in the wall, and Loring shinned up, bending the lodge over, racking it, and cracking the roof in the act, so that it leaked ever afterward. But, asks Sister Maria, and Sister Charlotte, and Sister Henrietta, and four hundred other Sisters who read this tale, why did the lodge take such a Handed in? Ah, good ladies, answer it yourselves. Why did you, Sister Maria, take for your first husband that dirty dog of a Flegan? and you, Sister Charlotte, how came you to marry the cowan who got drunk tri-weekly? Ah, ha! now we have you. You, whose happiness is involved in making marital selections, you marry such flawy blocks as they are, [151] and then ask us sarcastically why we took Hahded in! But to gratify the inquiry, which we knew you would make, we wrote to Brother Axeltry, Master of Tillibellover Lodge, "Why did you accept Loring Hahded?" He replied: "For eleven distinct reasons, which, as there were only eleven of us present that night, was a reason apiece. The first was-we were a pack of d (drastic was the word he used, being a physician) fools. The other ten I will give you some other time." That's it. Tillibellover Lodge was made up of d (drastic) fools, who didn't know when they were well off. They had nineteen excellent fellows in their membership, and they thought they could manage one j-k-s; hence Hahded! But we didn't set out, understand us, to excuse the lodge. We commenced this episode to show why Loring Hahded became a Mason; and you will admit that, as far as he was concerned in the transaction, it showed as much good sense as ever an ex-mailrider exhibited. To this day we can but conclude, as we did the night we visited Tillibellover Lodge, and saw him sitting there eating pecans while the work of the third degree was going on, that it proved there was one sensible mind entered that drastic membership when Loring Hahded became a Mason. [152]

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